I want to peel back the curtains and reveal something to you today, dear reader.

 

These are the conversations I have with myself on a daily, hourly, moment to moment basis.

 

I want to pop open the lid so you can see inside.

Not because I’ve found some kind of revolutionary way of thinking – no not at all.

Because I want to normalize what we all are thinking (but are afraid to admit it because we somehow believe all the spiritual “gurus” out there aren’t human and have somehow magically found a way to turn off their critical mind).

 

Patterns.

Values.

Authentic self.

 

Let me start off by setting the stage for the basis that most of my internal conversations revolve around.

You see, I have certain values.

They are not arbitrary values.

They are not decided upon.

They are not something that society has engrained.

In fact one of my core values asks me to question absolutely everything, and test it against this core central value.

 

T R U T H

 

My truth.

 

What resonates with my core soul self.

Not what resonates with my personality, my preferences, or anything else.

Part of this truth is honouring my natural self – my animal being.

Part of this truth is honouring the Great Mystery that is my soul, weaving the liminal of soul and structure.

 

My truth.

 

Part of my constant work is to deepen my relationship with this truth – so that I’m clear.

I’m clear in what it is and what it resonates with, and I’m clear in what it doesn’t.

I’m also clear in the in between space of possibility and expansion.

 

Here’s the part that most of us struggle with (myself included).

Here’s the place that makes living a practice.

Here’s the place where truth goes from theory that we journal and meditate about, to the day to day lived embodiment.

 

Here’s what it looks like in real life.

 

The stage, building my business in a completely organic way in action.

Some of you know that I’ve been doing online teaching work for several years now. Some of you also now that I’ve enrolled in different kinds of business coaching programs in order to “learn about business”.

I came into my online business being really good at teaching and embodying my work, but I had not a clue about business, so I did the practical thing – seek help and learn something from someone who knows business.

Then came the indoctrination stage.

You see, finding true teachers in this world is challenging. Perhaps the world is designed this way on purpose, I have no idea.

What I do now is that I had to go through an entire process of learning, only to come to an entire process of unlearning in order to land in what now feels like truth to me. All said and done, no regrets, but the learning part of this story is important for context in what’s to come.

 

In February 2021 I decided to shut down the entire operation.

I archived my Facebook groups and I took down any and all of my offering, teachings, etc. I logged off of social media for a while.

I needed to completely deconstruct the thing I was trying to build because I could feel in my bones that something was wrong. It didn’t feel right to me. I didn’t feel right to me.

The entire year, I just let myself be.

I took on a coffee shop job to pay the rent. It wasn’t nearly enough but it bought me exactly what I needed at that moment – time.

Time to be with myself, no pressure, no planning, no striving.

 

Late in the year, I started to feel it again. It started to bubble up to the surface.

At first it came in little trickles – the urge to do a reading here or there.

Then in January 2022 I could feel the shift.

It’s like my whole body was clearing the way to give birth to something.

And at the same time, I could feel the impatience of my mind grasping. I could feel my mind and body wanting to slip in the all of the things I learned.

All of those things that I felt were off, but I just couldn’t put my finger on why.

 

The thing is, a lot of the things I learned somehow felt extractive – exploitive even – of me. My energy, my resources, and even worse, they felt like they were literally mining my life force itself.

 

This is not the energy I embody or teach.

And I hadn’t yet figured out how to embody it in the form of my business.

 

As an aside, here is where simultaneously a shitload of trust and previous experience come in.

I should mention that up until my business venture, I mostly practiced my truth. I mostly (at least in the context of my career and work) had a pretty deep sense of trust in my intuition and my own internal truth and for the most part, let’s say 80% of the time, I followed it no matter what. And it usually worked out pretty well for me in terms of alignment with my essence.

 

Back to my business.

So I realized that embodying my truth isn’t something foreign to me.

It’s something I taught; it’s something I lived through my body through my own healing journey, it’s something I lived in my previous career. I know how this thing is supposed to feel for me. I have a pretty clear felt sense anyway.

And I also knew that what I had been doing was clashing with that (not saying it was “bad”, just that it was in disharmony with me).

 

So here I am, sitting with this huge baby of energy wanting to be birthed, and I’m like, ok, I feel you, I hear you, what do I do?

And there lies the answer.

 

For those of you who have given birth before vaginally, did you have any say over the process?

Were you able to control the date, time, and place your baby was born?

Did you ever feel like you were so done in your third trimester and you’d do almost anything to get that baby out?

And still, it’s not yet time?

 

Here’s the truth that I landed on about my own “birthing” process.

I cannot force it to come out.

I have to trust this thing that is coming through me and I have to trust the process that brought it to come through me.

 

I live and embody the Earth, Mother Nature, Great Mystery Herself.

She is the thing that comes through me with every breath, and with every death – literal, metaphorical, it’s all the same.

I embody her stillness, her intelligence.

I embody her pace.

S L O W

The deepest tide of them all – the groundswell.

The essence that holds all that is and all that will be.

 

 

And so here I land, in the mental processes of “building a business”, and the truth of my essence.

I’ve arrived at the slow build.

 

Having this realization, like warm sunshine seeping into my blood and bones on a freezing winters day, settled something of the truth in my being.

However the practical embodiment of “how the hell do I build a business like that?” and “what do I do?” simultaneously sings in the chorus of my mind.

 

We’ve now arrived at the place I wanted to show you.

The conversations that happen in my mind on a moment by moment basis.

Let’s start with something simple.

Let’s start with this blog, for example.

It came to me in a journey. Then I kept pulling cards. Then my astrological weather. They were all telling me to “take the time and space each day to write”.

I always felt like that in my writing, I channel.

So I started.

I wrote everyday for a few weeks straight.

Then I missed one day.

Ok, no biggie. It’s Sunday and I needed to rest, so I’ll write about that on Monday.

Then I missed another day a week later.

“Can I really still call this a Daily Writing Project”?

“Am I lacking in discipline?”

“Should I just post something or start posting stuff I’ve pre written?” (as an aside, all of the writing of this blog has not been scheduled posts, but organically whatever comes through me that day).

 

I can hear the chitter chatter of the “what it’s supposed to look like” like every 5 seconds every day.

But I made a commitment.

And that’s a commitment much bigger than the chitter chatter.

So every chitter chatter that comes, I listen to it patiently, then I ask myself “does it feel like I must push, extract, or some other way “dig deep” and mine my energy or life force?”

Then I wait.

I usually don’t have to wait that long.

The answer is almost always instantaneous.

The process is simple. If the thought passes the test, if it feels generative or inspired, then I do it. If in any way it feels like something I’m “supposed” to do because of extractive habit, I just don’t do it.

 

The interesting thing is that I’m realizing something.

I’m realizing just how fucking impatient I am with the process!

I want to rush the thing.

I want the baby just to come out god damn it!

So every moment, I feel into it.

 

And here’s the crazy thing – it takes form naturally.

Slowly.

Little by little, it starts to crown its head – emerging.

Bit by bit.

Trusting.

It’s a practice of patience, of faith, and of deep deep willingness to trust the process.

 

I have to release my control.

I have to release my expectations.

I have to surrender to the whole thing.

(did I mention that this happens on a moment by moment basis?)

 

I’ve also mentioned (and you might know this if you follow me on social media), that I’ve had to make some decisions and create space for this slow emergence to happen.

I’ve had to start looking for part time work so that I don’t have to worry about putting pressure on the birth process in order to pay my rent. I’ve had to take a hard look at just how deeply I’m nurturing myself, how I’m taking care of my needs.

My basic human needs.

For each one of us, we need different things to be truly nourished and supported.

I had to get real with myself in what ways I was enabling and pouring energy into shit that wasn’t at my core important to me.

I had to be willing to say no to people and things when FOMO was running rampant in my being.

I had to let go of friendships and relationships that were really just illusions.

There be a whole lot of truth telling and it’s been a humbling process.

 

Here’s one thing I just wanted to complete this with.

When I started studying Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy, it’s because the thing that called to me was the approach.

The fundamental understanding that we are perfect, we are whole, we are intelligent in all of our expressions – from the most disgusting human aspects, the most beautiful. This honouring and accepting the whole as part of a greater intelligence that we mirror – that we resonate – this is the thing that I embody.

I’m fundamentally not broken.

Neither is my business.

Nothing is broken.

Everything is process, expression, evolution, learning.

There is no “there” – that which we are lied into believing is our destination and destiny.

 

There is only here.

And fully embracing the whole of here frees me to the whole experience that is life.

 

There is no right or wrong was to life, to build a business, to create relationships.

There is only my truth – and the things that are in harmony with that or not.

Everything else shape-shifts around that.

 

The monkey mind of the chorus inside of our mind is normal.

It too is part of the intelligence that is who we are.

Liberation to do whatever the fuck I want has largely been a process of permission – permission to only act from knowing.

Permission to listen to the programming, the indoctrination, and not judge it as “bad”, “wrong”, or something I regret having learned.

No, I get to listen to the programming and just see it for what it is – and then I get to make a choice and also see that through.

Tired and taxed?

I guess if I’m honest with myself, that social media post was actually extractive.

Ok.

Neeeeext.

 

That’s it.

That’s all.

It’s simple.

I’m learning to not overcomplicate.

The answer always comes if I’m willing to listen and be patient.