I love watching a good tantrum.

 

The younger the child, the more authentic (we tend to start to use our tantrums to manipulate our parents as we get older).

There is something so pure about not yet knowing that you don’t have permission from society to fully express yourself, in the moment.

 

Am I suggesting that we as adults ought to start throwing tantrums whenever things don’t go our way?

Well, no – not in the sense we are probably imagining anyway.

I’m not suggesting that what we need to do is throw ourselves onto the ground, kicking and screaming until the other party caves.

What I am suggesting is that we would be a whole lot freer, happier, and more fully expressed if we gave ourselves permission to be honest with ourselves in the moment and express ourselves honestly, instead of performing social niceties.

 

And maybe that warrants the odd tantrum or two.

 

One of the most powerful things that deep down inside we crave is to be fully accepted for our fully expressed self.

But the biggest challenge in this is that most of the time we’re faking it.

 

We fake who we really are and how we really feel all of the time.

 

So who’s really responsible for loving you and accepting you as your fullest expression of you?

YOU!

 

If you can’t accept the part of yourself that wants vengeance for something your co-worker did or said, who will?

How is shaming ourselves for having “bad thoughts”, “negative beliefs”, and basically being a human going to help anyone?!

 

There is a gap between who we really are and who we pretend to be.

There is magic is not only being aware of the gap (consciousness), but actually closing the gap.

We often refer to this “pretending” as the ego in spiritual circles and teachings, however it doesn’t really matter what we call it.

I like to think of it as many different kinds of safety blankets, like a “power suit” – something you wear or put on to feel safer and more comfortable in the world around you.

Most spiritual teachings tell us we have to rip off the safety blanket, burn it in a “release” ceremony and “buck up, buttercup” because you never really needed that ego anyway – except that we do.

 

Can you imagine ripping away a child’s security blanket without their consent, before they are ready to let it go, while they are still relying on it? And then could you imagine destroying it in front of the child?

Can you say traumatic?

 

And we wonder why the burn and destroy doesn’t work when we’re not ready.

Most parents know that the child, when they are ready, when they feel more secure in themselves, will eventually release the blanket willingly at some point.

Divine timing is divine for a reason.

 

We cannot force ego death.

It happens in perfect time.

It happens when we are willing to truly nourish ourselves.

It happens when we go one layer deeper in healing.

It happens when we embody acceptance of our humanness.

 

“Letting go” is a natural consequence of more deeply accepting our own humanness.

 

Let’s go back to tantrums for a moment.

It’s not the drama of the tantrum itself I appreciate, it’s the core components.

There is an “in real time” recognition that “something is wrong” or “I’m scared” or “I don’t like that” or some other form of being upset.

Then, and this is the important part, there is a “in real time” immediate response.

Another important part is that there is no filter or judgement of the response. In other words, there is no room for rethinking and wondering “does this really upset me, or am I just imagining it?” or “that’s not a big enough deal to be worth having a response over”.

Another example is my kitty, Pele. If you accidentally step on or even just a little too close to her tail or paws, she will immediately cry out, loudly and dramatically. She doesn’t hiss or bite or scratch or attack or in any other way seek “retribution”. She knows it’s not personal and despite the dramatic yowl, she will hop onto your lap in the next moment for a snuggle.

There is a simplicity, truth, and power in communicating our authentic needs in real time.

 

The tricky part is that this simplicity gets pretty complicated pretty fast with our socialization and programming.

We get taught that it’s “not ok” to communicate how we feel. We get taught that we have to accommodate other people’s feelings and potential responses ahead of our own – that our responses make other people uncomfortable and we need to shut them down.

 

Our egoic safety blanket is helpful in this part of our evolution because in lieu of having our honest and tender authentic selves be judged and shut down, we can substitute our ego for the job. That way, it becomes less personal.

We think we’ve figured out a trick to the whole thing.

We think we’ve found a way to never get rejected or judged or hurt.

 

But ironically, it’s this simple real time response that allows us to have all of the components that are core to a healthy relationship. Clear communication of our needs, authentic expression, healthy boundaries.

 

You could say that some unlearning is in order.

 

For me and in my experience, the best place to start is with myself.

Where are the moments where I catch myself “acting” instead of being honest?

Knowing my “personas” is also helpful here.

I have one I like to call “customer service Jenn” because she’s my inner people pleaser. She often likes to override my authentic self when I’m feeling really tired and introverted and I convince myself that I “have to” “get out there” or when I’m “obliged” to interact with others for work or sustenance.

The of course, I’m immediately resentful because what I really need is quiet time, turning off my phone for a bit, and snuggling my cats.

Guess who gets to chose?

ME.

 

Here’s the tricky thing – victim conciousness tells me that I need to override the authentic Jenn and become “customer service Jenn” so that I can “survive”, pay the bills, etc. Victim conciousness tells me that I “have no choice” and I’m “stuck” with doing what I “have to do”.

But that’s just bullshit and we both know it.

 

The truth is, we always have choice.

We just don’t like the choices.

 

Victim conciousness tells me that I “can’t have” the things I need or that I can only get them through manipulation and control.

It doesn’t trust other people’s responses to my needs.

It doesn’t trust anyone – not even authentic Jenn.

 

Thankfully, I’ve spent a lot of time developing a relationship with authentic Jenn.

One where I can trust her.

One where I can trust her above everything.

 

She knows that I can chose to take a few hours off or the afternoon off.

She knows that I can rearrange my priorities to make sure I get my needs met.

She know that I need to honour my body, my responses, in real time without judging them or attaching meaning.

She knows that this is true freedom, happiness, and love.

 

She knows that she is perfectly ok – human, messy, and awesome.

Tantrums and all.