We love to be helpful.

 

From a very young age we are taught that helping makes us “good” people.

Whether from a religious context or just simple kindergarden “we help each other” dogma, we learn that our value comes from how pleasant and “helpful” we are to others.

 

While this may seem rather harmless and idealistic – I mean, don’t we want all kids learn to help others and “get along”?

 

But not only doe the world not work this way, we are not actually learning to help others.

I’ll say that again.

We are not actually taught how to help others.

 

We are taught to rescue others.

We are taught to train others to depend on us in relationship.

We are taught that our value depends on what other people think about us.

We are taught to be co-dependant relational beings, rather than sovereign beings in relationship.

 

Have you ever tried to help a cat?

I swear every cat just rolled their collective eyes at that question.

Not because it’s preposterous, but because every cat knows their value. The know exactly who they are and have absolutely no  need for our projections disguised as “help”.

 

That might seem like a silly example, but everyone that lives with cats knows what I mean.

Living with cats means learning to develop an interdependent relationship, not a co-dependant one.

 

Back to “helping”.

More times than not, “helping” is trying to fix other peoples problems because they make you feel uncomfortable.

It’s you who can’t stand to let the other person that in your eyes you’ve judged as “in over their head”, “flailing”, or “failing” work through their own shit.

Firstly, it’s none of your business.

Secondly, how is it helpful to judge that person as anything but pure life force intelligence embodied?

Thirdly, how is projecting your need to be perceived in a certain way onto them helping them?

 

But, helping is important!

What kind of world would we live in if we didn’t help one another?

 

Asking for help when you need it – is this difficult for you?

It certainly is difficult for me!

 

Why?

 

If helping is so fucking helpful, why don’t we ask for it when we actually need it?

 

Whether it be pride, or shame, or other fear-based, egoic response, I think it may be related to our relationship with “help”.

You see, in teaching us to rescue one another, we become helpless victims instead of sovereign beings.

By “helping” others because of our own egoic need to feel like a good person, to manipulate them into needing us, “help” starts to take on some serious baggage.

 

Perhaps saying “no” to help isn’t so terrible after all!

Especially if it comes at a price.

 

So if helping isn’t helping anyone, what should we do instead?

 

There is a lot of unpacking and unlearning that needs to unravel to begin to answer this question.

I talked about this in my previous post about victimhood where I mention Lynn Forrest’s work about Victim Conciousness and the Victim Triangle which I highly recommend reading.

In the Triangle, The Rescuer is our “helper”.

The Rescuer boosts their self worth through their need to be needed. They also sit higher than The Victim in the triangle because being of “service” makes them feel superior – it basically helps to qualm their own fears in accepting their own humanness and victimhood.

I highly recommend reading Lynn’s article as it is far more thorough than I could possibly touch on here.

 

I do want to offer something that is an alternative to the frankly manipulative and destructive “helping” culture and that is the willingness to support by holding safe space.

In order to be able to be a safe space holder, however you first have to be crystal clear about your own shit.

Being a true support means knowing how to take care of yourself first, having boundaries, and understanding yourself enough to know your own motivations and tactics.

Yes, we all have tactics – and it’s important to keep them in check if we truly want to be of service.

 

In the context of my teaching, it’s really clear. I have clear agreements with my clients. I am willing to let them work through their own shit, their own way. My own ego is not tied up in trying to control their process.

Getting to this place in my teaching took a shit ton of work on my part – and I’m still learning.

I have to constantly unravel where my own ego and self worth want to weave themselves in.

It happens! I am human – and I’ve been trained by the same co-dependant school as you and everyone else.

Taught that my value lies in being a “good” person.

 

But at it’s very core, the places where I have been met with true support, been held by unconditional love, and grace, and fierce fucking boundaries – those are the places and people where it’s been safe enough to do real work.

Those rare people and spaces are the real deal.

They are powerful because they demand you to take full responsibility for your totality.

 

We need to stop helping others, and rescue our own damn selves.

It’s time to take responsibility – and for true service, not servitude.