I feel like I am starting to gather at the point where I am no longer tracking my actions, my activities, my daily bread tethered to the nervous systems of other people and situations.
I am beginning – the first tender threads taking root – to be lead by this thing called Desire.
I am not talking about preference or wants or even needs.
No.
I am talking about the energy of the fire that lives in my loins, my bones, my flesh, my blood.
I am talking about Her.
Today I was called to do nothing.
Like literally do no thing.
I ate.
I napped.
I ate some more.
I napped some more.
I let the soothing narration of Wade Davis’s voice lull me in to a deep tranquil rest state.
I snuggled my cats.
I watched YouTube.
A lot of YouTube.
Not always to the end.
I watched women putting make up on their face.
Swatching juicy lip sticks on their arms.
Sensorial bliss.
Then I ate and napped some more.
There was definitely chocolate involved.
And then I decided on a whim to read for myself from this amazing deck, The Dark Goddess Tarot.
I should add for context what brought me to today.
Lately my nervous system has been feeling kind of shot.
Sensitized.
On edge.
Easily triggered.
You see, my capacity to spend time around other humans is limited.
It’s one of the reasons I both love and hate being around others.
Last night’s surf session with a lot of unaware, beginner type people combined with a little extra punch was the icing on the proverbial cake.
I could literally feel that I was in this state of tapping into everyone in the water as a means of protecting myself.
I finally accepted my fate, took my own advice, and brought my focus back to my own energetic and physical body.
As someone who is mainly introverted and cat like in how I need to nourish and tend to my own energy needs, quite simply I had been overly invested in other’s nervous systems and needs instead of orientating to my own.
A reset was in order.
I’ve always struggled with this particularly in co-living situations.
Where there is always someone around.
Always a reason to need to be nice or at least humane.
I have slowly begun to accept that I don’t always have this capacity.
It is a resource that I have access to in limited quantity, and so I best to use it wisely.
Thus we land on this awareness.
Reorientation and reset of my nervous system.
And now the cards.
The Red Dakini seduces people to follow impossible dreams.
Well well, if it isn’t my purpose so clearly and eloquently (and simply) written, looking back at me.
Follow your desire.
Follow it to its source.
Take your heart on the journey, be present and alive.
Do not set your heart on a specific outcome.
Do not set your potential happiness in the future.
Feel the potential alive in this moment, within your next heartbeat.
The 8 of Fire/Red Dakini (aka 8 of Wands) has been coming up in several readings I’ve done for myself.
Actually all of my readings have had some pretty juicy wand energy as of late.
Perfect.
Something at a cellular level says “YESSSSS”.
As if there is an audible sigh right down to my nervous system.
I had thought I had been on the Path of Desire for some time now.
I have certainly been exploring Desire for several years.
But now, in this moment, today, I am realizing that I can feel the thing I’ve been reaching for.
There is nothing to reach for.
So I let those tender roots take.
I do my best to nurture them with what ever is needed.
Being “nice”, “sociable”, “likeable”, or needing approval will not be a part of the recipe.
It’s time to feed Her.
Let Her swim in Her own existence.
Let Her fully play with Her own seductive forces.
Let Her reach her bounds and curl back inside.
Let Her eat whatever the fuck she wants.
