Yesterday I was chatting with my friend Naomi about my past experience with all of the past Tower moments in my life – how I usually embrace and accept them.
I hate them just as much as anyone else, but I also accept them – this is what is happening right now.
Ok.
There is obviously some foreshadowing here.
Today’s tarot spread I pulled for myself started with The Tower card literally flying out of the deck as I shuffled.
Well,well. Isn’t that ominous!
Followed by swords – a lot of swords.
Awesome.
And The Magician.
Because don’t I know by now?
Magic comes from the shit & the darkness.
So I thought I would write an ode to the Tower moments of my life – particularly the places where everything dissolved over the last 8 years.
Chronic fatigue brought be to Mexico.
Mexico changed everything.
Tower moment, upon Tower moment, my life as I knew it began to unravel, and the woman who lives here now, along with it.
Yesterday I wrote about emergence – but I didn’t talk about where I emerged from.
I emerged from the Tower falling, crumbling, over and over again.
Each time, little pieces that were holding what I thought was me together, crumbling to reveal more lost pieces of me.
The Tower is about reclamation.
It’s about grieving all that we think we’ve lost, to be able to reclaim the lost pieces of who we really are.
There is an element of integration in this process.
In order to reorder, replenish, we must fall apart.
Mexico began to unravel pieces and parts of my lost soul.
Awakening within me was my essence – my healing journey beginning to embody all corners of my life.
Each piece, each sign, obvious (just in case I wasn’t clear) – but also not always easy or welcomed.
I thought I would share my Tower moments over the last 8 years and as I begin to write, I realize just how many there are.
The ignition – Mexico.
The decision to start the journey.
The Lover and Love that shaped my understanding of unconditional love.
The Initiation into my journey into Deep Embodiment.
The Initiation into my journey of building a business, that I would later completely deconstruct.
The Lover and Love that shaped my understanding of Evil, The Shadow, and abuse.
The Land that now holds me, that I now know as Home.
The complete and utter deconstruction of what I understand as Home, Mother, and Woman.
When The Tower flew out of the deck this morning, I was not surprised.
I was not surprised because it is a familiar feeling, this Tower feeling.
It comes with tender seeds to be planted.
It comes with compost I am tending.
It comes with rest.
It comes with grief.
It comes with the clear and undeniable feeling of knowing what I must do.
There is nothing more clearer to me than my Tower moments.
I know like I’ve never known before.
What I don’t know is the clear picture – to think that you know everything is a crazy making process in the Tower card. The Tower card is the Divine Feminine at her best. Chaos. Unpredictability. And divine order.
Things fall apart – as they are meant to.
The Tower does not tolerate the unnecessary. In fact, you can kind of think of it as the “travels light” card of the tarot.
The Tower is the opposite of control. She is Surrender.
And in true surrender, there comes a deep and clear connection with knowing.
Successfully (and by that I mean as peacefully as humanly possible) navigating The Tower means listening to knowing without questioning it, acting upon knowing without questioning it, without doubt, without trying to logic or prove or rationalize.
She is not about logic, linear, or rationality.
She is chaos. She is life force herself.
I wanted to touch upon what else I personally took away from my spread this morning, because although The Tower clearly is the main theme, the other cards support her in her journey.
The 4 of Swords and The Magician.
Nourishment. I have come to the truth of just how deeply I need to nourish myself.
I’ve been treating myself a lot like my garden – watering just enough to keep things alive, but lacking the deep drink required to lay down deep roots. Deep roots are needed if we want to flourish and grow.
Clearly, my journey in deepening my capacity to receive nourishment and really nourish myself are a requirement of this process.
I surrender to what I think I can survive on. I surrender to the places where I’ve been starving myself over the last few years – I can tell you it’s not where I thought.
Part of this nourishment is permission. Permission to deepen my boundaries – not from a place of “fuck you” protection, but from an honest, needs no explanation pause. I need to pause before I respond. I need to gift myself time, stillness.
My process is slow – and slow is perfect.
What does my soul really need?
Less time on my phone. Less checking into social media. Less time in the virtual world, and more time in my life, in my body – more embodiment of my body, my life, my space, my surroundings, my relationships. My life happens here and now.
Letting go of the fears of “how will I build a business online if I don’t invest my time and energy in online spaces?”
Trusting that it will work itself out.
Trusting that you dear one, will find me when it’s the right time for both of us.
Magic.
Magic happens in the shit.
Magic happens in the midst of chaos – She is always present.
Magic is the listening to the knowing without question or doubt.
Magic is in the knowing, in the surrender, in the acceptance of what is about to happen and what is happening.
Magic is knowing my co-creation in it all.
Magic is in the relationship endings, moving cross country, packing her up, beach walks, surf sessions, nursing her soul wounds.
Magic lives in reclaiming her womb space.
Magic lives in pussy.
To unleash magic and all of my capacity to create, I take responsibility. I am a free agent, free to make decisions from wherever I chose, and I chose her.
Magic is living in the sovereignty of my own knowing.
One moment, one step, one nap at a time.