We often talk about doing Inner Child work.

In the land of self discovery and integration there is reconnecting to the Inner Child as a place of healing trauma, integrating difficult experiences, and reclaiming creativity.

Yes to all of that.

 

But what about our Inner Teenager?

I don’t really hear this part of ourselves talked about in the same way we acknowledge our Inner Innocence, but what about the places where innocence was lost?

I’m not talking about lost due to traumatic circumstances, I’m talking about the loss that happens as we naturally develop, grow up – that awkward phase between childhood and adulthood.

 

I’m talking about the normal loss that we experience in the process of growing up.

I’m talking about navigating the social world, adult pressures in a child’s body.

I’m talking about pretending to be secure about our self identity in a time where we are our most deepest insecure about who we are.

 

I’m talking about discovery – and the pain, confusion, and adventure that comes with it.

 

Lately my Inner Teenager has decided to talk to me.

I say decided because she is inherently a rebel trying to prove herself always to everyone.

She’s trying to prove she’s capable of taking care of herself, making the right decisions.

She’s constantly trying to prove her worth.

 

Being with her – in my body, in conversation, in my current Netflix choices, in my finances – has been an eye opening, humbling, and tender experience.

I’ve felt myself feeling all of the things I felt back then, but now with the capacity of a nervous system that has gone through healing, reclaimed range, and knowing a deeper place of what nourishment means.

I’ve been feeling sad, and mad, and impulsive.

I’ve been feeling all of the things She felt but didn’t know what to do with.

 

As a teen, I didn’t know what to do with my feelings, so I froze them in place.

I protected myself from feeling so I wouldn’t feel the sting on my soul of the insults and hurt caused by my peers bullying me.

I protected myself from the possible deep gouge of betrayal of a friend talking behind my back.

I found Ashtanga Yoga and for the first time, I could cling to a practice of emotional neutrality and escapism through the spiritual realm so I wouldn’t have to live in the discomfort of embodiment.

 

Today, talking to Her from a place of embodiment, acceptance of my humanness, and spaciousness, I guess it’s a pretty deep honour that She feels safe enough to talk to me.

She feels safe enough to get real about how totally confusing and challenging that time in our lives was.

 

It’s kind of delightful too, in a new way.

 

For many years I’ve had this theory that has slowly solidified into embodiment through the years.

You see, in my experience, when we make decisions “subconsciously” or unconsciously, when we “self-sabotage”, I believe it’s often from our Inner Teenager (or our Inner Child). We may grow old, but these parts of our experience never really “grow up”.

Inner Child “work” doesn’t mature the child within – it simply allows us to be in conscious relationship with Her – like a sort of “conscious self-parenting.

But parenting a young child is different than parenting a teenager.

I’m not a parent but this I know for sure.

 

Maybe my Inner Teen feels like now is the time because of all of the embodiment, healing, and integration work I’ve done over the years, or maybe it’s just “time” right now, but I wanted to share (in no particular order) a few insights she’s shown me so far.

 

• Despite all of my “self-work” I still feel insecure about people loving me and accepting all the parts of who I am. One of the reasons I like to live alone is to avoid having to explain my extremely introverted states of being and behaviour as well as some of the animalistic noises I make in my embodiment practice. I realize that while I can fully accept these parts of myself, I still hold insecurity that others will “get me”, and fear that they will judge or make fun of me.
• Because of this insecurity about others “getting me”, and fear of judgement/criticism, I haven’t had a lot of practice in communicating my needs of distance and space to others. I’ve mostly relied on avoidance.
• I’ve come to realize just how much sadness and insecurity I felt as a teen and that I didn’t have the tools nor a safe place or person to go to in order to help me navigate this difficult time.
• Some of my recent financial habits and relationship with things and shopping are deeply rooted in this time of my life.

 

So what do I “do” with all of this?

It’s a rhetorical question.

 

I don’t have to “do” anything – except maybe listen.

And feel Her.

And feed Her.

And not judge Her in the ways she presents herself.

Sometimes it’s randomly wanting to buy makeup I know I’ll never wear.

Sometimes it’s watching Blue Crush one too many times.

Sometimes it’s eating the foods I used to sneak from the pantry for dinner.

Sometimes it’s flirting with men who are not right for me.

 

She has my attention.

She has my presence.

She knows I’m listening.

She knows I’m not here telling her what to do.