Today I wanted to write about my personal experience riding the thin line between being in connection, and checking out of the world for a while. I wanted to talk about the difference between unplugging and how it’s both an act of self care and self protection.

 

The Hermit.

I am an introvert.

This surprises a lot of people who had met me in social circumstances.

They have a really hard time believing that the gregarious, won’t-stop-talking, salsa dancing, red lipstick touting woman in front of them is an introvert.

Liar!

 

At the same time, most of my neighbours, friends, and community here in the town I live often greet me with “hey, when did you get back in town?!” almost every time I run into them on the street.

I tell them I never left town. I’ve been hiding in the sanctuary that is my house, chilling, reading, writing, and playing with tarot cards in the company of my two cats Isis and Pele. As an aside, I feel like having two cats and no dogs should be evidence enough of my true introverted nature.

 

As a quick and dirty refresher of what an introvert vs. extrovert is (because this is exactly what confuses people), it’s more about your energy and the way your energy is nurtured, maintained, and recharged.

Basically, when an extrovert is tired, they often want to be around other people to recharge. When an introvert is tired, they want to hang out with their cats.

 

In the past, I heavily guarded my energy and the ways in which people could connect with me.

I got my first cell phone in late fall of 2012. Before that, if you wanted to reach me, you’d have to come to my front door and knock, or send me an email (which I checked about once a week). If you were wondering how I got around and how I survived without a phone, it was really simple – I was clear about my methods of communication and pretty heavily boundaries. If you are also wondering if I lived jobless, under a rock with little to no friends, the answer surprisingly is also no.

I worked as a Park Ranger, starting my career in the early spring of 2007 (remember I did have an email address and I checked it often enough to get interviewed and hired!), and communicated “formally” via email. Otherwise, my close friends knew where I would live and we would communicate old school style (remember that, pre cell phone peeps?) – in person.

 

Jumping to 2015-16 where I started my business, Moved From Within, I went from almost never using to social media, to having all the things and posting all of the time. My introverted nervous system was like “holy shit!”.

At the same time, since 2015, I’ve connected with and learned so so much thanks to this journey deep into technology. Social media and this “putting myself out there” has directly resulted in some pretty massive personal and professional growth that otherwise, I would not have experienced from under my rock hanging with my two cats.

 

So here I am at a kind of cumulation, full circle point. I recognize both the importance of opening up to connection and the necessity for my nervous system to unplug. There is a balance point, and like all balance point, the point is a shifting, wobbling reference, rather than a fixed point itself.

 

What does this have to do with relationship and connection?

I’m glad you asked.

 

Here is a really important and somewhat sensitive truth that has emerged for me through this journey.

I’ve had to get really honest with myself that fine line between withdrawing for self nurturance and care, and withdrawing as separation in attempts to protect myself from vulnerable places.

This is a tricky little thing for us introverts especially. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking that withdrawing from the world is our form of self care, when really we just don’t want to deal.

Checking out can be a cope out.

An excuse.

It can be a way to protect our tender hearts.

 

Connection is a really scary thing – and not just for introverts!

We all navigate the uncomfortable and vulnerable soft spots in different ways.

We all have different compensatory mechanisms.

 

A bit exploration for me lately has been, “what are the different ways I can stay in connection and at the same time take care of myself”? One of my personal patterns has been one of intense connection, followed by a kind of burnout and overwhelm, and a complete shut off to recharge. From the perspective of close friends and loved ones who know me well, they see and accept this as who I am and don’t take it personally.

However, in my newer connections, I’m realizing that in their perspective, it leaves them with a sort of confusion.

You see, I don’t really tell them up front that this is going to happen, so they end up kind of confused.

Take for example a dear friend of mine who I connected with rather serendipitously. Because the nature of our soul like connection, we would talk over the phone almost every day for months at a time. We would talk for hours and hours. Then about a month ago, I felt really overwhelmed and rather bored with our conversations and started to make excuses for why I need some time and space, meanwhile promising that I would eventually call – sometime … in the future.

No wonder he was confused.

The original “agreement”, unspoken, but none the less the embodiment of how our relationship was unfolding, was of a rather intense and daily connection. I never once explained my tendencies, that I would one day get tired of this intense sharing and wouldn’t want to have another conversation for a few months. I never warned him that there would be a sudden break of disconnect.

 

Even reflecting on my own pattern of intense connection, followed by complete disconnect – can you spot the feast/famine pattern my nervous system has adopted to balance my need for connection with my learned response in how to manage overwhelm and recharge?

 

There is another way.

Actually there are many other ways.

 

First off, I had to look at my own needs in connection and in how I take care of myself. What does that actually look like in real life? What does that mean to me? For example, I’m now experimenting with turning my phone off in the evenings and weekends, checking my messages and social media less, and making more unconscious alone space for myself (I didn’t really realize how pervasive the effects of my relationship to text messages, WhatsApp, social media, etc. was for my nervous system until I remembered that I lived without a cell phone for most of my adult life!).

Secondly, in tending to my relationships and connections, I’ve had to have a deep look at my agreements. The ones I’ve made with myself first, because that’s directly related to my current feast or famine expression, and then I must look at communicating them to others. For reference, I talked more about agreements in this post a few days ago.

 

I think one of the biggest take away lessons I’ve learned from this whole experience is that my previous black and white, feast or famine, thinking is only really one way. I have more options available to me.

Also, it’s helped me open my eyes to the fact that if I want to nurture my connections, I must nurture and honour my own connection to self, then communicate my agreements with others with clarity in real time.

 

Disconnection is not the same as self care – even for an introvert.

Disconnection, as we’ve learned over the last two years of lockdowns and fear culture, is highly toxic and dangerous to us a human animal creatures. We are inherently designed to be in connection with others.

It’s just that no one really taught us how to be in healthy, boundaried, nurturing connection in a way that works for everyone.

Connection with personal responsibility and agency, rather than co-dependancy and limited conditional love and belonging.

We can opt out of the feast or famine cycles of our nervous system.

We can decide how and when we chose to connect in ways that truly nurture our systems without self abandonment.

 

It does start with a willingness to be deeply self compassionate, a willingness to step out of victim conciousness, and a willingness to take complete personal responsibility for our deep needs, and desires.

 

I have a whole lot more to say about all of this, so if you find this nurturing, stay tuned.