Recently I’ve been writing a lot about The Tower card.

 

That’s because a few weeks ago I was consecutively pulling that card over and over again.

I knew in my bones that things would fall apart once more.

I thought today I would do a journal style entry of the real time process of the experience of Tower.

 

Despite the dramatic appearance of this card, for me this time it is happening as a sort of unravel.

I have been here before, unravelling, and there are moments where I come to hate it, and moments where I am in total acceptance – kind of like a Netflix documentary I watched recently about a woman from Finland who wanted to set the world record for the longest freedive in cold water, where most of her training is in finding a deep acceptance and peace in the feeling of the cold. She talks about her relationship to the cold and how sometimes it’s cold – painful, numbing, mentally challenging – and at other times, her whole body surrenders to it in a deep relaxation, peace.

 

My own relationship to unravelling has a similar quality. It goes through phases of deep acceptance, and phases where I battle the thing that’s happening.

Right now I’m teetering in between which is why I though it would be pertinent to write about it.

 

Let’s start with the theme: S L O W and R E S T.

These two energies are pretty much at the core of my natural energy state, both my embodiment of my gifts and also my challenges.

As I reflect, most of my unravellings have had a similar sort of emptying kind of quality. The Tower has always led me to a place where I must take the time to stop and pause.

There is nothing to do here.

You do not build in times of demolition.

You must first go through the whole process.

 

Unravelling takes time.

It takes a patience that I sometimes don’t have.

I sometimes feel like “can’t we just get over it? rip off the band-aid?”.

 

In the description of The Tower, readers often talk about sudden events – suddenly loosing your job or a break up you didn’t see coming –  however I beg to differ. If we were paying attention, there’s nothing sudden or surprising about the thing that’s coming. It’s more like a natural unfolding, sure it can feel like a deep scouring, but often looking back, we see that it was very much needed.

 

So while the events may come quickly, they don’t often come as a surprise.

But the digestion, the pause that this space demands is both sacred and challenging.

 

Patience.

Right now, for example, it is obvious that The Tower is here to create time and space for me to rest, nurture myself, and create.

Happening in perfect timing with a Full Moon and lunar eclipse right over my natal south node – basically a deep soul scouring, calling for deep rest and unravelling at all levels of my being.

It’s obvious.

I know better not to fight this energy.

But somewhere in my being there is a small voice that feels useless, futile, impotent. This voice wants me to do something. This voice is worried about how we’re going to pay our bills two months from now, she’s worried about the future and all the things she doesn’t yet know and therefore cannot control.

At the same time, my deeper knowing knows – she knows that this is time to pause.

And so here I sit, teetering between, holding both worry and peace in my presence, in my field.

 

There is another feeling that I find bubbling up as well – guilt.

The guilt of being supported to be here.

 

I’m not saying everything is easy and totally perfect.

The Tower has crumbled my part time job that I held for just over a year – a security cushion that helped to pay my rent. It said “no” to several part time jobs I’ve recently interviewed for and was excited about. There is a definite sense of uncertainty in the future as these pieces slough away in a clear “no, not for you” from the Universe.

I know better than to push.

But at the same time, I sit with the support of being paid for an extra two months of “transition pay” with no requirements to actually work. I sit with the gift of paying my rent and feeding myself for the next 7 weeks – the gift of time, space, and support.

My deeper self knows exactly what I need to do with this time: feed my soul.

I know it’s time to surf, sleep, eat, and travel.

It’s time to read, write, and explore.

It’s time to create and let my own teachings in the container of ORIGINS come through me.

 

I’ve been gifted with the time and space to rest, with zero pressure.

I also feel the call in my body and in my being – rest, slow down, enjoy this time.

 

I still feel the twinge of guilt.

Little inconvenient guilt rooted in the messages I’ve been told my whole life about how I’m lazy, unproductive, and oh, “it must be nice to be able to laze around all day”.

 

Even though I know deep down in my bones that this sweet, precious, and potent space is where all my life force, creativity, and capacity for generosity comes from, I still find myself teetering in a balance between peace and guilt.

 

Here is the deepening of my soul journey: how much deeper can I sit in the field of non-doing?

How much can I let myself expand and spiral downward into the cave of my own origins?

How deep is my own well?

And how deeply can I hold myself in this space to fully let myself be present here?

 

Summer licks at our heels here in the sub tropics of Mexico.

Every remnant of spring freshness is savoured fully.

Nothing is permanent.

Nothing lasts.

But everything returns.

 

Can I allow myself to fully receive this cycle of S L O W?

Can I fully allow myself to fully stretch out my bones in rest?

 

I am going to try my best.