I spent some time this morning, as I often do, journaling and digesting anything potent that came through in dream land.

Last night was a particularly potent night for me, as the Full Moon illuminated my Ascendant.

What would this bring about? I wondered as I drifted off to sleep.

 

An epiphany.

 

Over the past several years, I have been immersed in the world of online coaching.

That means I have of course participated in the whole spectrum. From formulas to feminine led, surrender based containers, I’ve “done” the range.

Last year in February 2021, I had a rather earth shattering epiphany.

I realized that:

1.  I have been primarily working in the “fix it” paradigm (even in the feminine led containers), and
2. I know on a cellular level that no part of me needs fixing (that’s what I teach and serve for goodness sake!)

So I put a full stop to all of it until the clarity of my own embodiment settled back into my bones.

 

I stopped my offerings.

I closed my groups.

I announced a temporary shut down until further notice on all accounts and services.

I took a local admin. “coffee shop” job to pay the rent so that I could just pause.

 

I needed to just be for a while, no pressure, no plan, no strategy.

 

I began to ask the questions …

Who am I when I’m not trying?

Who am I when I don’t need to do?

 

I began to ask myself …

What is it mean to be supported for me?

What does satisfaction look and feel like for me?

When was the last time I felt satisfied?

 

I began to wonder what does nourishment look like?

 

Not surprisingly, I landed in the most simple core truths and memories in my being.

In remembering the reality of my real experiences, not the traumas I was constantly digging up to “fix”, I remembered just how much and how simple nourishment, satisfaction, and support are for me.

 

I remembered camping trips in the mountains, having packed precious real butter for my organic mac ‘n cheese.

I remembered walking to La Lancha almost every day during lockdown for blissful solo surf sessions.

I remembered looking at all the food in my pantry and just feeling happy to see it all there.

One afternoon in April 2022, I lay on my back on cushy blankets and bolsters, I soaked in the feelings of being blissed out in existence as I admired the plants and dreamcatcher I made last year catching the last rays of the sun through the window.

 

This.

This is satisfaction.

 

These moments are what I live for.

 

Feeling back in alignment with the truth that I know in my cells as wholeness, I held the questions of “what does this look like in the other parts of my life?”

Particularly I wanted to know what does nourishment and satisfaction look like in practice in say, my finances or my business?

How do I build a business based on nourishment and satisfaction – and to be clear here I’m talking about me.

How do I build a business that nourishes and satisfies me?

That’s the question.

 

Back to my morning epiphany.

Money.

No matter the flavour or particular form, I learned that most money mindset coaching is designed to kind of reprogram our so-called “negative belief patterns” around money.

But what if those patterns aren’t actually “negative”?

What if they don’t need changing?

What if what they need is nourishment?

 

In February 2021 I had the realization that this whole money mindset coaching is a bit of a BS model when I just looked around at the evidence. There are plenty of us that have a scarcity mindset (in fact it’s most of the population), yet there are still billionaires in this world. This idea that there is a correlation between your mindset and your bank balance is bunk.

For me, I felt a huge weight lift and sense of deep freedom wash over me.

There was a deep deep knowing that underneath all of that programming, and stuff in my nervous system, there was also a deep intelligence.

In biodynamic craniosacral therapy we call it “potency”.

This is a knowing on a visceral, cellular, embodied level and when we are in relationship to it, we have the capacity to hold everything – including our so-called “negative” programming.

 

For the last year, I’ve been sitting with this in my bones and then this morning, an invitation arrived.

You see, in following the thread of nourishment, I saw a change over the last 6 months in how I relate to money.

It was rooted in some of my older patterns, with an “upgraded” kind of flavour.

 

I started to see a wisdom in my “old” programming. I started to see the satisfaction, safety, and sense of security my system got from those habits, and rather than seeing them as needing “fixing”, I asked myself “what would happen if I actually acknowledged my nervous system patterns and actually nourished those beliefs instead of trying to change them?”

 

And so, an experiment was born.

 

I don’t know where this will lead, but I wanted to document the process in a way in where you can follow along, or if you’d like join me.

 

The premises is simple.

The idea is to identify ingrained survival and nervous system patterns related to money/support/resources, then start to flesh out ways I can support these patterns.

I want to clarify the subtlety of support from a place of wholeness and nourishment is not the same as reactive, trauma based “checking out” kind of responses.

The idea here is not to keep doing what I’ve always done.

The premisses is, if I’ve done these things because they feel good in my nervous system, how can I continue to make choices from a place of conscious nourishment?

 

One of the most powerful gifts I have received from all of the embodiment work I’ve done over the last 15 years is the capacity to be with all that is.

To learn how to ride the waves of my own deep range in my system – something one of my biodynamic teachers called “being ok with not being ok”.

Embodiment of this knowing has allowed me to be in relationship with my body in ways that I can only describe as miraculous.

 

Realizing that this gift extends to all aspect of myself is eye opening and powerful.

 

I am looking forward to walking the walk and sharing with you my insights, as it is one thing to know something in a theoretical sense and it is entirely different to know it in your bones.

 

And so begins “being ok with not being ok” – an embodied money experiment.

 

Until the next instalment.