I told her not to come.

 

My best friend and sister really – I had told her not to come.

It just wasn’t the right time, vacations, busiest tourist time, and worse, I had only 2 nights available in my own house because it was the busiest 2 weeks of the year and I was booked solid for the next 2 months.

I lamented. I was grateful for the income, but also, I missed her and wanted to see her – ideally for more than 3 days.

 

Those last 2 nights got booked while we were on the phone – oh, well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

As per my usual routine when I have someone book to stay in my home, I send them a message.

I got no response.

One day before the trip, still no response.

Weird.

 

I go deeper into Allen from Nelson’s profile and there it is.

Did she use her property manager’s profile to book and was planning to surprise visit me?

I got excited.

I knew her enough to know that anything was possible – last minute flights across the country, spontaneous climbing adventures. It’s probably one of the reasons that makes us soul sisters – practical and logical aren’t in our vocabulary.

At least they didn’t used to be.

 

I stopped myself and paused at the truth of this.

The last 2 years, or perhaps even longer, I have admittedly trying way too hard to adult.

This might be a familiar thing to most of you – maybe you got “trapped” in some kind of illusionary ideal of a life that you are just now waking up to.

The strange thing is, this is not a familiar thing to me.

 

Familiar is being in flow.

Familiar is trusting that it always works out (because it always does in its strange way).

Familiar is not being too concerned what other people thought about me.

Familiar is not worried about looking “professional” or anything else other than just me.

 

What happened?

 

Honestly, I have been sitting with the enormity of this truth today and asking myself this question: what happened?

I never used to worry about appearing “adult” enough.

Or did I?

 

I think my car was my first extension of my expression for freedom, adventure, and spontaneity.

I would just drive somewhere where there were trees and stars and the sound of the mountains breathing.

I would disconnect from the rest of the world and commune with myself, listening only to the internal voice on which road to turn onto and which path to follow.

Sometimes it lead to waterfalls and views.

Other times, I adventured with my bestie.

 

Either way, I distinctly remember a time when I qualified a future friendship based on his or her willingness to jump, both feet, into the unknown.

 

What the fuck happened to her?

She’s still in there.

She has been restless.

She needs to stretch her legs and travel.

She needs to be spontaneous.

She needs solo adventure.

 

Over the last few years, she’s been lulled into routine.

She’s convinced herself that job stability and income have something to do with her being more reserved and quiet.

She’s convinced herself that she needs to appear serious to be taken seriously in her business and work.

What a load of shit.

 

She’s also felt tired.

All of that creative energy, misdirected back upon itself where it rot, rot, rots.

Not a healthy compost, but a rotten, heaping pile of sulfur.

 

Here, she has to push to be seen and heard.

She starts a toxic pattern of pushing, rather than spontaneous impulse and rest.

 

My soul sister didn’t come. She had accidentally booked through her property manager and then things didn’t really work, so she decided it wasn’t time – and it wasn’t time, really. But the intention was there. Her willingness was there. Her mischievous and adventurous nature had definitely tried to surprise me.

But it awakened something in me – something that had been asleep over the past few years.

 

The excuses I heard myself saying – money, time, other resources – since when were they an issue in the past?

She, my inner adventurer.

She, my whimsical, free spirited inner self.

She always knew how to prioritize life and vitality.

She always knew how things always take care of themselves.

She always knew it was futile trying to control everything and everyone.

She always knew it was never about the time or money and these were just excuses for the real reason – you either don’t really want it, or you’re scared of it.

 

That is the truth.

 

I realized something.

As I got excited about the idea of my bestie just getting up, booking, to visit me, I remember feeling so grateful and loved to have that kind of relationship. The fact that she is willing to surprise me with her presence, and fun, playful energy, and love, that fact that I have that kind of friendship in my life – fuck, I am one blessed woman.

 

These are the kinds of relationships I’ve cultivated in my life.

Souls who understand what’s really valuable here in this world.

All of the time and money in the world cannot be exchanged for the presence of the people, places, and experiences that really matter to us.

 

I think it’s time to reprioritize.